McTease

As you all probably know by now, McDonald's is the 1337357 place ever, and cheeseburgers are the 1337357 food ever. For years, I have known this, and for years, I have consumed much of their delicious product. With the advent of their dollar menu, I was super excited about double cheeseburgers being just $1. Then, they took away a piece of cheese, called it a McDouble, and made that $1. I was still happy, McHappy even. Then came the 24 hour drive-thru. Could this be? With all this talk of the end of the world, it looks like we live in Heaven already! There was nothing like Big Mac attacking at 1:00 AM! Sure, the menu is limited to just a few items then, but the stuff on it is still 1337!

So, after a long night of 8"/More to loving, I was Big Mac attacking and rolled up to the drive-thru in my 1337 whip at 2:45 AM. I demanded my two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and sesame seed bun, only to be denied! The haunting voice from the other side of the squawk box informed me that they started serving breakfast at 2:00 AM. WHAT? Breakfast? It's 2:45 AM! What is this, Denny's? Who the hell wants breakfast? I want a f***ing burger! I asked if I had accidentally wandered into a Burger King drive-thru, because this was absolutely retarded. The voice then suggested I try a sausage burrito. I then suggested she try my sausage burrito before yelling at her because a sausage burrito is not made of cow! I wanted to eat some f***ing McCow, and I wanted that McCow McNow! I needed a plan.

So, I grabbed my katana and started planning. It turns out the resolution was quite simple. Apparently, when an angry ninja panda is holding a katana, it is suddenly 1:00 AM. Mc1337!

Andy

Answer this question

Ok, so I think I've narrowed it down to the most likely choices:

A. Sold drugs
B. Stole it
C. Stole drugs and sold them
D. Tricked people into clicking on a lame ad

I can't decide! It could be any of them!

Andy

I'm a hero!

I say that, not in the normal sense, in which I know I am a 1337 ninja hero every day, but due to a certificate I received proving my heroism in another way.



Yes, admire me. I'm 1337.

Andy

MySpace Applications!

I think this is getting out of control. MySpace has applications, and everyone is playing them... and I do mean everyone:


Those people aside, people who have good websites do too, like me, your 1337 Prime Minister! Sure, the apps are pretty lame. Sure, there are 4000 versions of the one same f***ing app... but since there's apps there now, there are less of Tom's precious ads for gay guys having sex! Hooray!

That Nerd Douche Cray even made friggin' property calculators for Mobsters, Heroes, Mafia Wars, Dragon Wars, Pirates - Rule the Caribbean, Outworld, Rockstars, Vampires, Gangster, Street Racing, Gang Wars, Mob Wars, and Special Forces on Andyville. What a dork.

These apps are pissing me off though. They are all the same friggin' thing, but everyone tries to act like they are all unique. Now, they all have the stupidest new feature. They are all shilling for their own personal poker sites. I get that for the mob games, but why would vampires be playing poker? What the hell does poker have to do with street racing? What is wrong with you greedy assholes? Are you so desperate to cash in on the success of something that you have to attach something completely unrelated to it? Is your poker game so bad that you have to bribe people with in-game money to get them to actually play it? You app creators suck.

Andy

Crazy Carrie

So, I'm on TomSpace, wasting my life, and I get a friend request from a porn girl named Carolina. What a lazy porn girl! Couldn't she come up with a cool name like Ava Devine, Lisa Sparxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, or Angela D'Angelo? Carolina? That's a state! States aren't sexy!

So, I went to her profile to message her about her name needing to be more sexy when I saw that her profile was just a picture overlaid over the profile trying to look like a profile! Wow, this is like backwards of when they were putting pictures under my pictures. Look how "convincing" this picture is:

All the lettering looks just as crisp as in this picture of the top of Andyville I converted from PNG to JPG to GIF to JPG:


Of course, I'll let Carrie get away with that, as she, like many of my other porn girls, seems to have issues. For one, she can't spell Horny or use the right smiley for it. Actually, she doesn't even have an age or location. However, that might all be because she's not on MySpace, but on MySpace Canada. They don't even have gravity there yet!

She also seems to have multiple personalities, as shown in this illustration:

Her name is Carolina, but she is listed in 3 places on this one page as KinkyLaura DirtySarah, and Karatron. WTF? All of these are better porn names than Carolina! Why don't you use these, Carrie? Of course, I guess we are talking about Canada here, so maybe that's just her full name split up. Carolina KinkyLaura DirtySarah Karatron of Winetoba, Manipeg, Canada. It even makes sense the way they smash words together. It's like Newfoundland. But, that means that you'd pronounce KinkyLaura as Kanna and DirtySarah as Diarrhea. Wait... Kanna Diarrhea? OMG! This is like that cult that craps in bottles! I need to get away from this chick!

But... I think I might check out her Siamese twin friends. They look like they might be fun.

Andy

Desperate Porn Girls

I know I'm 1337. You don't have to tell me every five minutes (but thank you anyway). Furthermore, you don't have to resort to crazy schemes to talk to me. Geez! You porn girls are getting desperate!

I'm especially talking about one I got a while back from "I'm too fly" on MySpace. First off, you're coming pretty close to gimmick infringement as "I'm too fly" is pretty close to "I'm 50 1337!" I'll let it go though as imitation is the sincerest form of sucking up... or something like that.

Anyway, here is her message, along with my brilliant commentary, of course.

Subject: hey

Uh, hey...

hii..

Um... hiiiii?

basically i never ever likeed anyone from myspace

Me neither. I have never "likeed" anyone from MySpace. I've "toleerateed" some, but never "likeed" any.

and i clicked your profile from browse and i thought you were festive

FESTIVE? What the hell do you mean by that? "I'm too fly," you are a girl, right? RIGHT? Holy crap... this may not quite be what I thought it was when I started...

and found myself actually interested in you.

Well, that's completely understandable...

lol

Why the f*** is that funny?

i talked to my friend ash and she said to go for you

Assuming you're a hot girl, your friend "ash" is very wise.

and we should take a compatibility test first...

"ash" is retarded.

anyways i believe in this kinda stuff

Oh... so you're retarded too... that takes the fun out of it...

so i made one for you its in my profile just look its big and green in my profile.

Big... and... green... wow. I think I just got hit by the short bus.

if we match.. and you are interested in me contact me back.

1. We won't
2. I'm not
3. I won't

i promised ash i will not respond back to you until i get the official test results

Is "ash" your tard handler? Why do the sped huts have internet access now?

so if you send any msgs to me i wont get them until you finish.

That doesn't make sense. Are you being held hostage? Does "ash" go through all your messages before you get a chance to read them?

you seem perfect

I am.

i never had this feeling before..

Did you soil your underoos?

**im crossing my fingers**

I'm making fun of you on my blog.

~toodles

Golden Retriever to you too.

-Andy

Tom, you lying mother f***er!

So, I went on MySpace today, despite my better judgment, and was greeted with an urgent message from that douche Tom.

hey folks! I wanted to let you know there's a new MySpace mobile site where you can access your myspace for free on any phone. Just go to mobile.myspace.com on your phone's web browser!

Wait... any phone? 1337! I was so in to try this out. I was dying to see how this would actually work.

So, I went and picked up my 1337 rotary phone. Hmm, no MySpace yet. Step one...

go to mobile.myspace.com on your phone's web browser!

My phone's web browser? Ohhhh, they must mean the rotary dial! Ok then...
662459 ... wait, "."... where the f*** is "." on my phone? I'll just use "0" instead. It's kinda dot shaped. Start over...
662459069772230266

It's ringing... hello? Is Tom there? What do you mean there's no Tom there? You Californians are all douches! What? You're in Mississippi? TOM! YOU SON OF A BITCH! You used a fake URL!

I hate you, Tom, you lying mother f***er.

Andy