Tom, you lying mother f***er!

So, I went on MySpace today, despite my better judgment, and was greeted with an urgent message from that douche Tom.

hey folks! I wanted to let you know there's a new MySpace mobile site where you can access your myspace for free on any phone. Just go to mobile.myspace.com on your phone's web browser!

Wait... any phone? 1337! I was so in to try this out. I was dying to see how this would actually work.

So, I went and picked up my 1337 rotary phone. Hmm, no MySpace yet. Step one...

go to mobile.myspace.com on your phone's web browser!

My phone's web browser? Ohhhh, they must mean the rotary dial! Ok then...
662459 ... wait, "."... where the f*** is "." on my phone? I'll just use "0" instead. It's kinda dot shaped. Start over...
662459069772230266

It's ringing... hello? Is Tom there? What do you mean there's no Tom there? You Californians are all douches! What? You're in Mississippi? TOM! YOU SON OF A BITCH! You used a fake URL!

I hate you, Tom, you lying mother f***er.

Andy

Not 1337, South Park!

Recently, I wrote an article about a cult that took 15 pound craps. Well, apparently it was a truly inspirational article because last night on South Park, they totally ripped off my idea! In that episode, Stan's dad took a football sized dump and spent the rest of the episode fighting Bono for the "World's Largest Crap" title under the supervision of some sort of fecal governing body.

Of course, being inspired by a 1337 individual like myself is fine. What's not fine is that I got no credit for being their inspiration. Come on guys! I let sexual harassment panda go, but I have to draw the line somewhere! If you're going to continue to rip off my ideas, at least pay me or publicly declare your allegiance to Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr. It's the least you can do. You don't want to get on my bad side. Just ask Andy "Chuck" Nierman.

Andy

Julie's Colon

I got an email recently from someone called "ColonMate Cleanser." It looked a lot like this:

Flush Excess Weight from your colon? I already do that. It's called taking a dump. I don't understand what you are offering, Mr. Cleanser. Of course, it must be significant because:

15 POUNDS? Damn, Julie! That's a huge dump! You must have been exhausted after that. I guess that's why you had to have your friend, ColonMate (apparently a home loan lender or something), send the email for you from his address.

How did Julie manage that monster bomb drop though? There must be clues in the message. Hmm, that's odd. Could this be a clue? It lists a group of news networks for no apparent reason. Then it tells you that it is not affiliated with them.

Nah... that's pretty pointless. I don't think news will help me drop a 15 pound Cosby kid. There has to be more. What is there about Mr. Cleanser's method that is different than my own?

Wow... BINGO! It was staring me right in the face the whole time! A bottle! ColonMate Cleanser and Julie are part of a crazy cult that craps in bottles! Now, granted, I have crapped in an oven before, but there is no way I am going to be able to crap in a bottle! Do you realize the aim and concentration it would take to be able to focus it into the tiny opening? Speaking of concentration, how can somebody shove 15 pounds into a bottle? This sounds like much more work than I plan on devoting to poo. Besides, ever since Kaboom® Free Samples gave me that bad advice about not flushing my toilet, I've been wary of crazy people that email me.

Sorry, ColonMate, not this time. When your cult switches to ovens, then we can talk.

Andy

Urkel's Query

The other day I saw this ad for Yahoo Answers:

This intrigued me. Urkel needed to know an answer to a question regarding a Yahoo product, but since Yahoo's online FAQs and paid support staff are completely useless, the Winslows' clumsy, nerdy neighbor had to turn to the unwashed masses at Yahoo Answers.

Now, I didn't want to cost Yahoo Answers any ad revenue because of Urkel's silly problem, so I didn't click on the banner. Instead, I used my previous experience with Yahoo Answers to construct a simulation of what the answers to his question may have looked like.
(Note: Simulation may contain 93% actual Yahoo Answers. No actual ids were used.)

Answers
(1-30 of 41)
	treard DUMB QUESTION!!!! 2 months ago - Report abuse drater u r a cunpleet an udder f***tard. Nexxxt! 2 months ago - Report abuse al obama Are you kidding me? 1 month ago - Report abuse clyde4pres I have heard of it, but what is it? 1 month ago - Report abuse pwainrttohn The Dr. told me my brain don't work right. 1 month ago - Report abuse PreTARD omg are you really that stupid? 1 month ago - Report abuse TARD wait for the right moment, nah mean? and if u dont kno when that is, its like when ur staring into each others eyes for a few nd shes smilin, not too long because it gets weird, then just do it also, 3 days doesnt mean u cant cuz ive f***ed on tha first date wit a girl who had a man so depends on her u know? 3 weeks ago - Report abuse PostTARD lol this is soo a playoff of mah question =] HAHAHA 3 weeks ago - Report abuse ReTARD then the war would start and i would tickle you till you peed 3 weeks ago - Report abuse sploogebob havent you seen sponge bob!!! duh!! 2 weeks ago - Report abuse stiffpants i deleted mine. they suck. seriously dont get one. complete and utter waste of time, and change people and inflate their heads and egos. im gonna kill that guy who invented it. 2 weeks ago - Report abuse tom I have a myspace. Thanks a lot now I want a taco. 1 week ago - Report abuse douchehick You're all complete and utter morons. Each and every one of you need to do the world a favor and go kill yourselves 6 or 7 times. The remainder of you who are too stupid to be able to kill yourselves need to go play in a CDC biohazard area until you die. If you still live, go hand Andy Nierman a gun and kick him in the nuts. 1 week ago - Report abuse therealdubya Boobs are sore, have to pee constantly, tired and hungry all the time; then you pee on the stick and it turns blue 6 days ago - Report abuse imedgebitch Teh Mizz (DUH. You think so....? Give me six months to get in shape and *I* could beat him down. Not that I want to beat up the *retarded* normally, but there you go...) 6 days ago - Report abuse ho4higher ????????wtf???????? 5 days ago - Report abuse cen4 I LOVE CENA 4 days ago - Report abuse trogdor Cena blows! 4 days ago - Report abuse ninjadream Get a life. You're just asking questions and being stupid. You know that people can click on your picture and see the questions you've asked, right? Don't be stupid. 4 days ago - Report abuse nudeboy BECUZ THERE DUMB AND IGNORATN,THAT IS STUPID AND BELEIVEIN WHAT THE MEDIA SAYS INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE FACTS!!!!! 3 days ago - Report abuse plastico THOUGHTS...... UMMM... USE SPELL CHECK 3 days ago - Report abuse chinkodemayo my answer is really good, but I don't want you to read it. Haha. 3 days ago - Report abuse sonjay dutt NO U DUMB F U C K STorylines bro? 3 days ago - Report abuse yomomma I wanna have sex all the time...even when I am busy. I'll drop anything for sex. 2 days ago - Report abuse peabutnutter Wate, ima girl and i dont want to be rushed into somthing. wate till teh moment is rite. trust me ull no. 2 days ago - Report abuse trader i luv hbk da showstopper shawn michaels 1 day ago - Report abuse whitprders merder always 23 hours ago - Report abuse tuboat_stupid i no got one...do not need 18 hours ago - Report abuse tehbesterestest Hi. I'm a horse woman from Canada, so I obviously cannot answer the specifics 3 hours ago - Report abuse loveflame if ur are hot send me some pics 13 minutes ago - Report abuse

Poor Urkel. Now he'll never be able to impress Laura by setting up her email for her.

Andy

Toot Toot!

So, I got on MySpace again today to see if Tom was still threatening death upon me, and instead I found new friend requests... woohoo!

Lets see... porn girl, porn girl, porn girl, porn guuuy (ewwww!), sausage sling, porn girl, porn girl, retard, porn girl, Tom (no, you can not be my friend! Stop bothering me!), porn girl, rag doll, porn girl, boat... BOAT?

A boat wants to be my friend? That's a little out of the ordinary, but surely enough, Remona the boat wants to be my friend.

Now, I'm not sure what to think of this. I understand why all the porn girls want to be my friend. They want some of the 8"/More to Love. Why would a boat want to have sex with me?

I decided that the only logical thing to do would be to check Remona's profile for clues. It didn't take long for me to figure out exactly what was going on.

Aha! It's so obvious! As you can tell by this picture of Remona's owner, Remona's owner is completely friggin' insane! No sane person would have a labial piercing that big! Remona is calling out to me in an attempt to escape her crazy owner with the most ridiculously over-sized labial piercing I've ever seen! I mean, look at that thing! It's so big that it hangs out from under her skirt! It even appears to be so large that it has its own electric wiring, possibly with separate meter installation. You can even see the insanity on her face (either that or the agony of all that weight hanging from her barn door). You can tell that there is definitely something wrong.

Anyway, I don't want to have sex with you, Remona, but I can save you from the crazy girl. My contact in Florida (who is NOT Norman Smiley) will hook you up with an overland passage to the wide open sea. You're free little boat! You're free!



I know.

Andy

Suck my left one, Tom

MySpace has now declared war on your favorite 1337 Ninja Prime Minister. They've done it, of all places, in an ad for some crap called MySpace Secret Shows. I was ready to login so I could see all the messages I got from sex starved porn girls, ringtone scammers, and the makers of this weird hydraulic wiener sling thingy, when I looked to the left and saw the ad, which was a blatant and intentional shot at ME, Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr.

It's obviously a thinly veiled message that people should shoot at me! Ok, I know some of my readers may be slow and less 1337 than me, so I've constructed a visual aid so that you can picture their real thoughts.

All you have to do is lighten the color of the original and add a 1337 bandanna, and... oh my god, it's ME!

Well, it's almost me. They gave me a gun to make me more threatening and evil. I prefer a sword as my weapon of choice. Once you've made all those changes, behold! Their hidden agenda to trick porn girls, spammers, and wiener sling salespersons into shooting me becomes plain as day! Well, two can play at this game!

I think this version of the ad is far superior to the Andy threatening version. It's so beautiful that it chokes me up a bit. Actually, I think that's going to be my desktop wallpaper for a while. Ah, 1337!

Ok, we're even now, Tom. Don't pull this Panda threat crap anymore!

Andy

The Crush

So, I got a message on MySpace earlier from the butt of a girl named Serena. I figure it was from her butt, because that is all you can see in her picture. Of course, maybe the girl's name is Nikki or something, and her butt's name is Serena. That would be crazy. Anyway, her message went as follows:

Hey I've been reading about you for a while and kinda have a crush lol. I wrote you a long message but it was too big for my space so I put it in my profile..

<3Love

Actually, maybe the message was from her thong, which you can also see in the picture. The thong's name would be <3Love. Yep, that makes sense. The account belongs to Nikki's butt, Serena, but Serena's thong, <3Love, wrote the message to me. Holy crap. The thong on the butt of a crazy girl who registered a MySpace account for her ass has a crush on me. How do I react to that? Maybe I should look at her profile.

Hmm, this chick's butt is warped. Under books, it claims that it reads "Miracle on th Street." Hmm, maybe you can't see numbers if you only have one brown eye.

Eww, Serena's only friend is Tom. Boo!

Anyway, I couldn't find that long message <3Love left on Serena's profile. There were just a bunch of lame graphical links to Nikki, Serena, and <3Love's affiliated scams.

Sorry <3Love, but I'm too busy to mess around with you if you're going to make things difficult. Now, to see if the webmaster of Andyville.org has replied to me...

Andy

Kaboom!

I got an email a while back from "Kaboom® Free Samples" that had the subject:

Never Clean Your Toilet Again

Now, naturally, I don't open emails like this. They are scams! However, I couldn't resist the temptation to take their advice and never clean my toilet again. I mean, it's less work for me, and maybe a little toilet leprechaun will kaboom out of my crapper with a pot of gold.

Well, some time had went by, and I was starting to doubt their advice. I know, I shouldn't lose faith so easily, but it was starting to really stink in there! I thought on the subject a bit, and finally came to the conclusion that the sender was not a native English speaker. Perhaps when they said clean, they meant flush. Of course! That had to be it! They meant:

Never Flush Your Toilet Again

It made perfect sense!

Well, some more time has went by, and I can't say things have improved. I'm really starting to doubt Kaboom® Free Samples' advice now. Nothing spectacular has happened, and it is becoming increasingly harder to use my toilet. I now have to hover over it hanging from the towel rack to use it. Lately, I'm finding it easier just to go to Home Depot.

You've got one more week Kaboom® Free Samples. Something magical better happen or I'm going to be pissed.

Andy

Gone Phishing

Phishing is stupid. It relies on the fact that people are idiots. That's why it works so well on the internet. Until now, I always hear people who have been phished referred to as "victims". That's crap! If they are really victims, they are only victims of being stupid. I propose, right here in a 1337N355 exclusive, that we call these people "phish". It makes perfect sense. What is the goal of phishing? To catch phish! The better phishermen have better phish bait for the idiotic phish, and therefore, better phishermen have more phish phished with their internet.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'm going to tell the story of how a phisherman pissed me off from a phished account and how I punished the phish for the actions of the phisherman.

I checked my messages today on the space that has been allocated to me, and next to all the messages from all the porn girls interested in the 8"/More to love combo, and the spam from 86 girls named Paris, there was the following message:

Whats up? hey, was just browsing your page and thought it was a bit week. You should spice it up. I found some really sweet images,hacks,layouts. Whats it going to hurt to look?

Pimp Your Space!

Get some new content for your myspace page.

Pimp Your Space!

Thank me later

So lame!!! My layout is exceptionally 1337 without all the lame 4N7|1337 crap other people put on theirs! Of course, I figured this was a spammer. I checked the profile to discover that it seemed to be a real (although, somewhat slow) person! Why real? People that leave her comments seem to legitimately know her. Why slow? Here's her "About me":

%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A
soooo im Chelsea! i am a senior at Henry Clay and i %D?bsolutly LOVE it! im headin to college in the fall,%D?nd i sooo canNOT believe that i am about to leave%D%Ahigh school. i looove fashion, make-up, and all the%D%A"prisssy" things =]! i am a bit wild, haha..i mean %D%Ai am always up for the partyy! i have tons of friends, %D?ut the ones that mean the most consist of kenz,jordan,alex,chance,and annmarie. DONT KNOW WHERE%D%Ai would be without them.%D%A..uhhhm lets see... %D%Ai get along with anyone who likes me..pretty much i am%D? PEOPLE person. i try not to judge people by the way%D%Athey look..thats just stuck up and thats not me.%D%Ai am SINGLE at the moment. Long relationships%D?nd bad endings suck..sooo i have kind of decided %D%Ato stay single until i actually find someone%D%Aiknow i want to be with for a while. annnd unfortuanatly i have not found him[yet].%D%Ai guess thats about it.. if you wanna know anything else %D%Ayou can ask me! iloveyouALL!
%D%A

... and her " Who I'd like to meet":

A guy, whoo appreciates me, shows that he cares, and does anything that makes me happy. PRETTTY much, i want to meet my soul mate. =)%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A
%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A%D%A %D%A%D%A
%D%A%D%A
%D%A

%D%A
%D%A

I think she's having seizures or something, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I had to reply to Chelsea:

Week? What week? It must be NEXT week because my page is 13373R than anything produced to date. Why would I want lame crap like all you other 14M3R5 have when I produce the 1337357 content around at Andyville and The Prime Minister's 1337N355? Have you not seen Sponge Bob Square Holly?

Change your password little phish. The spammers have pwned you and caused you to recieve a verbal bitchslap from me,

Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr.

Hopefully, a dose of 1337N355 will change her life.

Andy

They're putting pictures under my pictures!

So, I was all happy about making a new fan, when my bubble got burst. I was on MySpace, trying to dodge ads for gay guys having sex, when I got a bulletin about hackers. OMG NO! HACKERS! 4N7|1337!
It turns out that hackers are putting pictures underneath my pictures! Those dirty bastards! How can they do that?!?! Seriously... how can they do that? Regardless, I needed to check this out for myself.

So, I started by checking underneath the picture of me in my 1337 whip. As I moved my picture over (using the same magic the hackers did to put pictures under other pictures), I was horrified to see that underneath my picture was a badly photoshopped picture of the president either riding or "extending the executive branch" to a goat. NO! DAMN YOU H4x0R5! Do you realize how much Armorall it is going to take to get the goat fluids out of my 1337 whip? You're going to pay for this, hackers!

So, I'm totally petrified. If they can get underneath my 1337 whip, they can get underneath any of my pictures in order to insert random idiotic pictures for no real purpose that would do them any good at all. With great caution, I slowly moved aside my u17r41337 Sponge Bob Square Holly pic. Underneath it, I discovered an even worsely photoshopped picture of the same damn goat superimposed on my picture of the Big Kitty Monty Brown! Those hackers stole my picture, goated it up, and shoved it underneath another one of my pictures! What kind of sick bastards would do such a thing? Then, it hit me... all this time... it wasn't hackers...







IT WAS THAT DAMN GOAT!


...or, I guess MySpace's database of thumbnails in "safe edit mode" could be completely hosed. That could be it...


Andy

Run! Don't try this!

So, I was signing out of MySpace, and instead of the normal scary advertising involving two gay guys having sex with each other (and these ads really need to go, Tom. You are scaring the youth of America! I log onto MySpace to... to, uhh... man, why the f*** do I log onto MySpace? I'm wasting my f***ing life on that s***hole... but I know that I don't log onto MySpace to see gay guys having sex in the ads.), I was treated to an ad for what appears to be a Monty Brown Cologne T-Shirt. This chick scared the living crap out of me while, at the same time giving me that special Miss Lori feeling. If I can remove the scary, this chick will totally rock! To get rid of the scary, I need to figure out exactly what caused her to become possessed by the demonic entity. This could take years of trial and error research!

Luckily, it didn't. It turns out that my first guess was right. I put on an equivalent shirt and cologne, and sure enough, I too had become demon possessed and scary! I was so scary that 1/10 of my porn girls temporarily didn't want me! It was horrifying, as you can see.
Luckily, in my demon rage I attacked a group of people (there had to be like 5 or 20 of them... and they had baseball... ok, ok, wiffle ball bats) who mugged me (I lost all ninja ability as a demon) and pepper sprayed me.
By removing the evil shirt and masking the demonic odor (and stealing my wallet... damn middle school punks), they had freed me of the demonic grasp! Now, I simply need to find the original girl and save her as I was saved. I'm coming honey! Don't eat too many pedestrians!

Andy

Does it make me a freak...

Does it make me a freak if I totally want to do the PBS Kids host lady? I can't help it. Miss Lori totally gets me going! I want to bend her over the purple possibility bag and get after it! I watch her every morning, and cannot help being captivated by her Latina yumminess. Do you realize how awkward it is to watch Curious George while aroused? Can you imagine about losing it when her lips mouth "Big Red" when introducing Clifford? She's amazing!
However, as much as a 1337 individual like myself thinks like this, not everyone agrees. For example, lesser internet publisher, Amy (aka Mama Nirvana), who I might add is not a ninja, blasted Miss Lori on her blog (http://mamanirvana.blogspot.com/2006/11/santas-little-helper.html).
She said:

[He] is constantly wondering aloud how much money she donated to PBS in order to get this gig. Let me just say that I would rather watch 16 hours of Barney, straight, than have to spend a morning with this lady and her little hamster/ground hog. And if I have to hear her sing one more song, out of tune, I might add, or watch her delve into her "purple possiblity bag" one more time, I might just take one of John's golf clubs to the television. Yes, she's that bad.

I fixed her wagon boy howdy! I left her this 1337 comment:

HEY! Leave Miss Lori alone! Kill the gerbil if you want, though. I hate Hooper. Lab project, anyone? And don't get me started on the dumb kids doing projects. They have to go!
As for Miss Lori, she rocks. Sure, she over-enunciates her words. Sure, the plots are stupid. Sure, the set and songs are either crack induced or the product of a bad acid trip.
However, Barney is worse in each of those categories, and it is a continuous 30ish straight minutes of horror! Besides, Miss Lori makes me feel special... you know what I mean... she makes me feel special in that special way. She is one smokin' Latina mami! I don't care how goofy she acts. She looks awesome doing it! That's a lot to say, seeing as, judging by her wardrobe, it appears she lives in her car. She only owns one set of clothes and you are blasting her! Have a heart!
Sometimes, it is not as mentally draining as you may think. For example, the one where they couldn't figure out what the funny little squeak was, it took me until the third viewing (I only watch during Curious George, so I never see the resolution later in the morning) to realize it was the board she stepped on at the beginning. I thought she was queefing! I was rolling on the floor laughing with a raging "special!"
The Republic of Andyville officially supports Miss Lori Holton Nash with every inch of its being! Someday, something kinky will come out of the purple possibility bag, and that will be the day you all eat your words!

We'll just have to see if Amy has anything more to say about me or my darling Lori now!

Andy

I'm so 1337

Ok, I have to make this quick. Andyville has been slightly overrun by smart asses, and I know that I have this place to myself. Ha ha! Andyville still 0wn5 though. You're a roundtable!

Andy