Not 1337, South Park!

Recently, I wrote an article about a cult that took 15 pound craps. Well, apparently it was a truly inspirational article because last night on South Park, they totally ripped off my idea! In that episode, Stan's dad took a football sized dump and spent the rest of the episode fighting Bono for the "World's Largest Crap" title under the supervision of some sort of fecal governing body.

Of course, being inspired by a 1337 individual like myself is fine. What's not fine is that I got no credit for being their inspiration. Come on guys! I let sexual harassment panda go, but I have to draw the line somewhere! If you're going to continue to rip off my ideas, at least pay me or publicly declare your allegiance to Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr. It's the least you can do. You don't want to get on my bad side. Just ask Andy "Chuck" Nierman.

Andy

Julie's Colon

I got an email recently from someone called "ColonMate Cleanser." It looked a lot like this:

Flush Excess Weight from your colon? I already do that. It's called taking a dump. I don't understand what you are offering, Mr. Cleanser. Of course, it must be significant because:

15 POUNDS? Damn, Julie! That's a huge dump! You must have been exhausted after that. I guess that's why you had to have your friend, ColonMate (apparently a home loan lender or something), send the email for you from his address.

How did Julie manage that monster bomb drop though? There must be clues in the message. Hmm, that's odd. Could this be a clue? It lists a group of news networks for no apparent reason. Then it tells you that it is not affiliated with them.

Nah... that's pretty pointless. I don't think news will help me drop a 15 pound Cosby kid. There has to be more. What is there about Mr. Cleanser's method that is different than my own?

Wow... BINGO! It was staring me right in the face the whole time! A bottle! ColonMate Cleanser and Julie are part of a crazy cult that craps in bottles! Now, granted, I have crapped in an oven before, but there is no way I am going to be able to crap in a bottle! Do you realize the aim and concentration it would take to be able to focus it into the tiny opening? Speaking of concentration, how can somebody shove 15 pounds into a bottle? This sounds like much more work than I plan on devoting to poo. Besides, ever since Kaboom® Free Samples gave me that bad advice about not flushing my toilet, I've been wary of crazy people that email me.

Sorry, ColonMate, not this time. When your cult switches to ovens, then we can talk.

Andy

Urkel's Query

The other day I saw this ad for Yahoo Answers:

This intrigued me. Urkel needed to know an answer to a question regarding a Yahoo product, but since Yahoo's online FAQs and paid support staff are completely useless, the Winslows' clumsy, nerdy neighbor had to turn to the unwashed masses at Yahoo Answers.

Now, I didn't want to cost Yahoo Answers any ad revenue because of Urkel's silly problem, so I didn't click on the banner. Instead, I used my previous experience with Yahoo Answers to construct a simulation of what the answers to his question may have looked like.
(Note: Simulation may contain 93% actual Yahoo Answers. No actual ids were used.)

Answers
(1-30 of 41)
	treard DUMB QUESTION!!!! 2 months ago - Report abuse drater u r a cunpleet an udder f***tard. Nexxxt! 2 months ago - Report abuse al obama Are you kidding me? 1 month ago - Report abuse clyde4pres I have heard of it, but what is it? 1 month ago - Report abuse pwainrttohn The Dr. told me my brain don't work right. 1 month ago - Report abuse PreTARD omg are you really that stupid? 1 month ago - Report abuse TARD wait for the right moment, nah mean? and if u dont kno when that is, its like when ur staring into each others eyes for a few nd shes smilin, not too long because it gets weird, then just do it also, 3 days doesnt mean u cant cuz ive f***ed on tha first date wit a girl who had a man so depends on her u know? 3 weeks ago - Report abuse PostTARD lol this is soo a playoff of mah question =] HAHAHA 3 weeks ago - Report abuse ReTARD then the war would start and i would tickle you till you peed 3 weeks ago - Report abuse sploogebob havent you seen sponge bob!!! duh!! 2 weeks ago - Report abuse stiffpants i deleted mine. they suck. seriously dont get one. complete and utter waste of time, and change people and inflate their heads and egos. im gonna kill that guy who invented it. 2 weeks ago - Report abuse tom I have a myspace. Thanks a lot now I want a taco. 1 week ago - Report abuse douchehick You're all complete and utter morons. Each and every one of you need to do the world a favor and go kill yourselves 6 or 7 times. The remainder of you who are too stupid to be able to kill yourselves need to go play in a CDC biohazard area until you die. If you still live, go hand Andy Nierman a gun and kick him in the nuts. 1 week ago - Report abuse therealdubya Boobs are sore, have to pee constantly, tired and hungry all the time; then you pee on the stick and it turns blue 6 days ago - Report abuse imedgebitch Teh Mizz (DUH. You think so....? Give me six months to get in shape and *I* could beat him down. Not that I want to beat up the *retarded* normally, but there you go...) 6 days ago - Report abuse ho4higher ????????wtf???????? 5 days ago - Report abuse cen4 I LOVE CENA 4 days ago - Report abuse trogdor Cena blows! 4 days ago - Report abuse ninjadream Get a life. You're just asking questions and being stupid. You know that people can click on your picture and see the questions you've asked, right? Don't be stupid. 4 days ago - Report abuse nudeboy BECUZ THERE DUMB AND IGNORATN,THAT IS STUPID AND BELEIVEIN WHAT THE MEDIA SAYS INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE FACTS!!!!! 3 days ago - Report abuse plastico THOUGHTS...... UMMM... USE SPELL CHECK 3 days ago - Report abuse chinkodemayo my answer is really good, but I don't want you to read it. Haha. 3 days ago - Report abuse sonjay dutt NO U DUMB F U C K STorylines bro? 3 days ago - Report abuse yomomma I wanna have sex all the time...even when I am busy. I'll drop anything for sex. 2 days ago - Report abuse peabutnutter Wate, ima girl and i dont want to be rushed into somthing. wate till teh moment is rite. trust me ull no. 2 days ago - Report abuse trader i luv hbk da showstopper shawn michaels 1 day ago - Report abuse whitprders merder always 23 hours ago - Report abuse tuboat_stupid i no got one...do not need 18 hours ago - Report abuse tehbesterestest Hi. I'm a horse woman from Canada, so I obviously cannot answer the specifics 3 hours ago - Report abuse loveflame if ur are hot send me some pics 13 minutes ago - Report abuse

Poor Urkel. Now he'll never be able to impress Laura by setting up her email for her.

Andy

Toot Toot!

So, I got on MySpace again today to see if Tom was still threatening death upon me, and instead I found new friend requests... woohoo!

Lets see... porn girl, porn girl, porn girl, porn guuuy (ewwww!), sausage sling, porn girl, porn girl, retard, porn girl, Tom (no, you can not be my friend! Stop bothering me!), porn girl, rag doll, porn girl, boat... BOAT?

A boat wants to be my friend? That's a little out of the ordinary, but surely enough, Remona the boat wants to be my friend.

Now, I'm not sure what to think of this. I understand why all the porn girls want to be my friend. They want some of the 8"/More to Love. Why would a boat want to have sex with me?

I decided that the only logical thing to do would be to check Remona's profile for clues. It didn't take long for me to figure out exactly what was going on.

Aha! It's so obvious! As you can tell by this picture of Remona's owner, Remona's owner is completely friggin' insane! No sane person would have a labial piercing that big! Remona is calling out to me in an attempt to escape her crazy owner with the most ridiculously over-sized labial piercing I've ever seen! I mean, look at that thing! It's so big that it hangs out from under her skirt! It even appears to be so large that it has its own electric wiring, possibly with separate meter installation. You can even see the insanity on her face (either that or the agony of all that weight hanging from her barn door). You can tell that there is definitely something wrong.

Anyway, I don't want to have sex with you, Remona, but I can save you from the crazy girl. My contact in Florida (who is NOT Norman Smiley) will hook you up with an overland passage to the wide open sea. You're free little boat! You're free!



I know.

Andy

Suck my left one, Tom

MySpace has now declared war on your favorite 1337 Ninja Prime Minister. They've done it, of all places, in an ad for some crap called MySpace Secret Shows. I was ready to login so I could see all the messages I got from sex starved porn girls, ringtone scammers, and the makers of this weird hydraulic wiener sling thingy, when I looked to the left and saw the ad, which was a blatant and intentional shot at ME, Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr.

It's obviously a thinly veiled message that people should shoot at me! Ok, I know some of my readers may be slow and less 1337 than me, so I've constructed a visual aid so that you can picture their real thoughts.

All you have to do is lighten the color of the original and add a 1337 bandanna, and... oh my god, it's ME!

Well, it's almost me. They gave me a gun to make me more threatening and evil. I prefer a sword as my weapon of choice. Once you've made all those changes, behold! Their hidden agenda to trick porn girls, spammers, and wiener sling salespersons into shooting me becomes plain as day! Well, two can play at this game!

I think this version of the ad is far superior to the Andy threatening version. It's so beautiful that it chokes me up a bit. Actually, I think that's going to be my desktop wallpaper for a while. Ah, 1337!

Ok, we're even now, Tom. Don't pull this Panda threat crap anymore!

Andy

The Crush

So, I got a message on MySpace earlier from the butt of a girl named Serena. I figure it was from her butt, because that is all you can see in her picture. Of course, maybe the girl's name is Nikki or something, and her butt's name is Serena. That would be crazy. Anyway, her message went as follows:

Hey I've been reading about you for a while and kinda have a crush lol. I wrote you a long message but it was too big for my space so I put it in my profile..

<3Love

Actually, maybe the message was from her thong, which you can also see in the picture. The thong's name would be <3Love. Yep, that makes sense. The account belongs to Nikki's butt, Serena, but Serena's thong, <3Love, wrote the message to me. Holy crap. The thong on the butt of a crazy girl who registered a MySpace account for her ass has a crush on me. How do I react to that? Maybe I should look at her profile.

Hmm, this chick's butt is warped. Under books, it claims that it reads "Miracle on th Street." Hmm, maybe you can't see numbers if you only have one brown eye.

Eww, Serena's only friend is Tom. Boo!

Anyway, I couldn't find that long message <3Love left on Serena's profile. There were just a bunch of lame graphical links to Nikki, Serena, and <3Love's affiliated scams.

Sorry <3Love, but I'm too busy to mess around with you if you're going to make things difficult. Now, to see if the webmaster of Andyville.org has replied to me...

Andy

Kaboom!

I got an email a while back from "Kaboom® Free Samples" that had the subject:

Never Clean Your Toilet Again

Now, naturally, I don't open emails like this. They are scams! However, I couldn't resist the temptation to take their advice and never clean my toilet again. I mean, it's less work for me, and maybe a little toilet leprechaun will kaboom out of my crapper with a pot of gold.

Well, some time had went by, and I was starting to doubt their advice. I know, I shouldn't lose faith so easily, but it was starting to really stink in there! I thought on the subject a bit, and finally came to the conclusion that the sender was not a native English speaker. Perhaps when they said clean, they meant flush. Of course! That had to be it! They meant:

Never Flush Your Toilet Again

It made perfect sense!

Well, some more time has went by, and I can't say things have improved. I'm really starting to doubt Kaboom® Free Samples' advice now. Nothing spectacular has happened, and it is becoming increasingly harder to use my toilet. I now have to hover over it hanging from the towel rack to use it. Lately, I'm finding it easier just to go to Home Depot.

You've got one more week Kaboom® Free Samples. Something magical better happen or I'm going to be pissed.

Andy