McTease

As you all probably know by now, McDonald's is the 1337357 place ever, and cheeseburgers are the 1337357 food ever. For years, I have known this, and for years, I have consumed much of their delicious product. With the advent of their dollar menu, I was super excited about double cheeseburgers being just $1. Then, they took away a piece of cheese, called it a McDouble, and made that $1. I was still happy, McHappy even. Then came the 24 hour drive-thru. Could this be? With all this talk of the end of the world, it looks like we live in Heaven already! There was nothing like Big Mac attacking at 1:00 AM! Sure, the menu is limited to just a few items then, but the stuff on it is still 1337!

So, after a long night of 8"/More to loving, I was Big Mac attacking and rolled up to the drive-thru in my 1337 whip at 2:45 AM. I demanded my two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and sesame seed bun, only to be denied! The haunting voice from the other side of the squawk box informed me that they started serving breakfast at 2:00 AM. WHAT? Breakfast? It's 2:45 AM! What is this, Denny's? Who the hell wants breakfast? I want a f***ing burger! I asked if I had accidentally wandered into a Burger King drive-thru, because this was absolutely retarded. The voice then suggested I try a sausage burrito. I then suggested she try my sausage burrito before yelling at her because a sausage burrito is not made of cow! I wanted to eat some f***ing McCow, and I wanted that McCow McNow! I needed a plan.

So, I grabbed my katana and started planning. It turns out the resolution was quite simple. Apparently, when an angry ninja panda is holding a katana, it is suddenly 1:00 AM. Mc1337!

Andy

Answer this question

Ok, so I think I've narrowed it down to the most likely choices:

A. Sold drugs
B. Stole it
C. Stole drugs and sold them
D. Tricked people into clicking on a lame ad

I can't decide! It could be any of them!

Andy

I'm a hero!

I say that, not in the normal sense, in which I know I am a 1337 ninja hero every day, but due to a certificate I received proving my heroism in another way.



Yes, admire me. I'm 1337.

Andy

MySpace Applications!

I think this is getting out of control. MySpace has applications, and everyone is playing them... and I do mean everyone:


Those people aside, people who have good websites do too, like me, your 1337 Prime Minister! Sure, the apps are pretty lame. Sure, there are 4000 versions of the one same f***ing app... but since there's apps there now, there are less of Tom's precious ads for gay guys having sex! Hooray!

That Nerd Douche Cray even made friggin' property calculators for Mobsters, Heroes, Mafia Wars, Dragon Wars, Pirates - Rule the Caribbean, Outworld, Rockstars, Vampires, Gangster, Street Racing, Gang Wars, Mob Wars, and Special Forces on Andyville. What a dork.

These apps are pissing me off though. They are all the same friggin' thing, but everyone tries to act like they are all unique. Now, they all have the stupidest new feature. They are all shilling for their own personal poker sites. I get that for the mob games, but why would vampires be playing poker? What the hell does poker have to do with street racing? What is wrong with you greedy assholes? Are you so desperate to cash in on the success of something that you have to attach something completely unrelated to it? Is your poker game so bad that you have to bribe people with in-game money to get them to actually play it? You app creators suck.

Andy

Crazy Carrie

So, I'm on TomSpace, wasting my life, and I get a friend request from a porn girl named Carolina. What a lazy porn girl! Couldn't she come up with a cool name like Ava Devine, Lisa Sparxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, or Angela D'Angelo? Carolina? That's a state! States aren't sexy!

So, I went to her profile to message her about her name needing to be more sexy when I saw that her profile was just a picture overlaid over the profile trying to look like a profile! Wow, this is like backwards of when they were putting pictures under my pictures. Look how "convincing" this picture is:

All the lettering looks just as crisp as in this picture of the top of Andyville I converted from PNG to JPG to GIF to JPG:


Of course, I'll let Carrie get away with that, as she, like many of my other porn girls, seems to have issues. For one, she can't spell Horny or use the right smiley for it. Actually, she doesn't even have an age or location. However, that might all be because she's not on MySpace, but on MySpace Canada. They don't even have gravity there yet!

She also seems to have multiple personalities, as shown in this illustration:

Her name is Carolina, but she is listed in 3 places on this one page as KinkyLaura DirtySarah, and Karatron. WTF? All of these are better porn names than Carolina! Why don't you use these, Carrie? Of course, I guess we are talking about Canada here, so maybe that's just her full name split up. Carolina KinkyLaura DirtySarah Karatron of Winetoba, Manipeg, Canada. It even makes sense the way they smash words together. It's like Newfoundland. But, that means that you'd pronounce KinkyLaura as Kanna and DirtySarah as Diarrhea. Wait... Kanna Diarrhea? OMG! This is like that cult that craps in bottles! I need to get away from this chick!

But... I think I might check out her Siamese twin friends. They look like they might be fun.

Andy

Desperate Porn Girls

I know I'm 1337. You don't have to tell me every five minutes (but thank you anyway). Furthermore, you don't have to resort to crazy schemes to talk to me. Geez! You porn girls are getting desperate!

I'm especially talking about one I got a while back from "I'm too fly" on MySpace. First off, you're coming pretty close to gimmick infringement as "I'm too fly" is pretty close to "I'm 50 1337!" I'll let it go though as imitation is the sincerest form of sucking up... or something like that.

Anyway, here is her message, along with my brilliant commentary, of course.

Subject: hey

Uh, hey...

hii..

Um... hiiiii?

basically i never ever likeed anyone from myspace

Me neither. I have never "likeed" anyone from MySpace. I've "toleerateed" some, but never "likeed" any.

and i clicked your profile from browse and i thought you were festive

FESTIVE? What the hell do you mean by that? "I'm too fly," you are a girl, right? RIGHT? Holy crap... this may not quite be what I thought it was when I started...

and found myself actually interested in you.

Well, that's completely understandable...

lol

Why the f*** is that funny?

i talked to my friend ash and she said to go for you

Assuming you're a hot girl, your friend "ash" is very wise.

and we should take a compatibility test first...

"ash" is retarded.

anyways i believe in this kinda stuff

Oh... so you're retarded too... that takes the fun out of it...

so i made one for you its in my profile just look its big and green in my profile.

Big... and... green... wow. I think I just got hit by the short bus.

if we match.. and you are interested in me contact me back.

1. We won't
2. I'm not
3. I won't

i promised ash i will not respond back to you until i get the official test results

Is "ash" your tard handler? Why do the sped huts have internet access now?

so if you send any msgs to me i wont get them until you finish.

That doesn't make sense. Are you being held hostage? Does "ash" go through all your messages before you get a chance to read them?

you seem perfect

I am.

i never had this feeling before..

Did you soil your underoos?

**im crossing my fingers**

I'm making fun of you on my blog.

~toodles

Golden Retriever to you too.

-Andy

Tom, you lying mother f***er!

So, I went on MySpace today, despite my better judgment, and was greeted with an urgent message from that douche Tom.

hey folks! I wanted to let you know there's a new MySpace mobile site where you can access your myspace for free on any phone. Just go to mobile.myspace.com on your phone's web browser!

Wait... any phone? 1337! I was so in to try this out. I was dying to see how this would actually work.

So, I went and picked up my 1337 rotary phone. Hmm, no MySpace yet. Step one...

go to mobile.myspace.com on your phone's web browser!

My phone's web browser? Ohhhh, they must mean the rotary dial! Ok then...
662459 ... wait, "."... where the f*** is "." on my phone? I'll just use "0" instead. It's kinda dot shaped. Start over...
662459069772230266

It's ringing... hello? Is Tom there? What do you mean there's no Tom there? You Californians are all douches! What? You're in Mississippi? TOM! YOU SON OF A BITCH! You used a fake URL!

I hate you, Tom, you lying mother f***er.

Andy

Not 1337, South Park!

Recently, I wrote an article about a cult that took 15 pound craps. Well, apparently it was a truly inspirational article because last night on South Park, they totally ripped off my idea! In that episode, Stan's dad took a football sized dump and spent the rest of the episode fighting Bono for the "World's Largest Crap" title under the supervision of some sort of fecal governing body.

Of course, being inspired by a 1337 individual like myself is fine. What's not fine is that I got no credit for being their inspiration. Come on guys! I let sexual harassment panda go, but I have to draw the line somewhere! If you're going to continue to rip off my ideas, at least pay me or publicly declare your allegiance to Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr. It's the least you can do. You don't want to get on my bad side. Just ask Andy "Chuck" Nierman.

Andy

Julie's Colon

I got an email recently from someone called "ColonMate Cleanser." It looked a lot like this:

Flush Excess Weight from your colon? I already do that. It's called taking a dump. I don't understand what you are offering, Mr. Cleanser. Of course, it must be significant because:

15 POUNDS? Damn, Julie! That's a huge dump! You must have been exhausted after that. I guess that's why you had to have your friend, ColonMate (apparently a home loan lender or something), send the email for you from his address.

How did Julie manage that monster bomb drop though? There must be clues in the message. Hmm, that's odd. Could this be a clue? It lists a group of news networks for no apparent reason. Then it tells you that it is not affiliated with them.

Nah... that's pretty pointless. I don't think news will help me drop a 15 pound Cosby kid. There has to be more. What is there about Mr. Cleanser's method that is different than my own?

Wow... BINGO! It was staring me right in the face the whole time! A bottle! ColonMate Cleanser and Julie are part of a crazy cult that craps in bottles! Now, granted, I have crapped in an oven before, but there is no way I am going to be able to crap in a bottle! Do you realize the aim and concentration it would take to be able to focus it into the tiny opening? Speaking of concentration, how can somebody shove 15 pounds into a bottle? This sounds like much more work than I plan on devoting to poo. Besides, ever since Kaboom® Free Samples gave me that bad advice about not flushing my toilet, I've been wary of crazy people that email me.

Sorry, ColonMate, not this time. When your cult switches to ovens, then we can talk.

Andy

Urkel's Query

The other day I saw this ad for Yahoo Answers:

This intrigued me. Urkel needed to know an answer to a question regarding a Yahoo product, but since Yahoo's online FAQs and paid support staff are completely useless, the Winslows' clumsy, nerdy neighbor had to turn to the unwashed masses at Yahoo Answers.

Now, I didn't want to cost Yahoo Answers any ad revenue because of Urkel's silly problem, so I didn't click on the banner. Instead, I used my previous experience with Yahoo Answers to construct a simulation of what the answers to his question may have looked like.
(Note: Simulation may contain 93% actual Yahoo Answers. No actual ids were used.)

Answers
(1-30 of 41)
	treard DUMB QUESTION!!!! 2 months ago - Report abuse drater u r a cunpleet an udder f***tard. Nexxxt! 2 months ago - Report abuse al obama Are you kidding me? 1 month ago - Report abuse clyde4pres I have heard of it, but what is it? 1 month ago - Report abuse pwainrttohn The Dr. told me my brain don't work right. 1 month ago - Report abuse PreTARD omg are you really that stupid? 1 month ago - Report abuse TARD wait for the right moment, nah mean? and if u dont kno when that is, its like when ur staring into each others eyes for a few nd shes smilin, not too long because it gets weird, then just do it also, 3 days doesnt mean u cant cuz ive f***ed on tha first date wit a girl who had a man so depends on her u know? 3 weeks ago - Report abuse PostTARD lol this is soo a playoff of mah question =] HAHAHA 3 weeks ago - Report abuse ReTARD then the war would start and i would tickle you till you peed 3 weeks ago - Report abuse sploogebob havent you seen sponge bob!!! duh!! 2 weeks ago - Report abuse stiffpants i deleted mine. they suck. seriously dont get one. complete and utter waste of time, and change people and inflate their heads and egos. im gonna kill that guy who invented it. 2 weeks ago - Report abuse tom I have a myspace. Thanks a lot now I want a taco. 1 week ago - Report abuse douchehick You're all complete and utter morons. Each and every one of you need to do the world a favor and go kill yourselves 6 or 7 times. The remainder of you who are too stupid to be able to kill yourselves need to go play in a CDC biohazard area until you die. If you still live, go hand Andy Nierman a gun and kick him in the nuts. 1 week ago - Report abuse therealdubya Boobs are sore, have to pee constantly, tired and hungry all the time; then you pee on the stick and it turns blue 6 days ago - Report abuse imedgebitch Teh Mizz (DUH. You think so....? Give me six months to get in shape and *I* could beat him down. Not that I want to beat up the *retarded* normally, but there you go...) 6 days ago - Report abuse ho4higher ????????wtf???????? 5 days ago - Report abuse cen4 I LOVE CENA 4 days ago - Report abuse trogdor Cena blows! 4 days ago - Report abuse ninjadream Get a life. You're just asking questions and being stupid. You know that people can click on your picture and see the questions you've asked, right? Don't be stupid. 4 days ago - Report abuse nudeboy BECUZ THERE DUMB AND IGNORATN,THAT IS STUPID AND BELEIVEIN WHAT THE MEDIA SAYS INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE FACTS!!!!! 3 days ago - Report abuse plastico THOUGHTS...... UMMM... USE SPELL CHECK 3 days ago - Report abuse chinkodemayo my answer is really good, but I don't want you to read it. Haha. 3 days ago - Report abuse sonjay dutt NO U DUMB F U C K STorylines bro? 3 days ago - Report abuse yomomma I wanna have sex all the time...even when I am busy. I'll drop anything for sex. 2 days ago - Report abuse peabutnutter Wate, ima girl and i dont want to be rushed into somthing. wate till teh moment is rite. trust me ull no. 2 days ago - Report abuse trader i luv hbk da showstopper shawn michaels 1 day ago - Report abuse whitprders merder always 23 hours ago - Report abuse tuboat_stupid i no got one...do not need 18 hours ago - Report abuse tehbesterestest Hi. I'm a horse woman from Canada, so I obviously cannot answer the specifics 3 hours ago - Report abuse loveflame if ur are hot send me some pics 13 minutes ago - Report abuse

Poor Urkel. Now he'll never be able to impress Laura by setting up her email for her.

Andy

Toot Toot!

So, I got on MySpace again today to see if Tom was still threatening death upon me, and instead I found new friend requests... woohoo!

Lets see... porn girl, porn girl, porn girl, porn guuuy (ewwww!), sausage sling, porn girl, porn girl, retard, porn girl, Tom (no, you can not be my friend! Stop bothering me!), porn girl, rag doll, porn girl, boat... BOAT?

A boat wants to be my friend? That's a little out of the ordinary, but surely enough, Remona the boat wants to be my friend.

Now, I'm not sure what to think of this. I understand why all the porn girls want to be my friend. They want some of the 8"/More to Love. Why would a boat want to have sex with me?

I decided that the only logical thing to do would be to check Remona's profile for clues. It didn't take long for me to figure out exactly what was going on.

Aha! It's so obvious! As you can tell by this picture of Remona's owner, Remona's owner is completely friggin' insane! No sane person would have a labial piercing that big! Remona is calling out to me in an attempt to escape her crazy owner with the most ridiculously over-sized labial piercing I've ever seen! I mean, look at that thing! It's so big that it hangs out from under her skirt! It even appears to be so large that it has its own electric wiring, possibly with separate meter installation. You can even see the insanity on her face (either that or the agony of all that weight hanging from her barn door). You can tell that there is definitely something wrong.

Anyway, I don't want to have sex with you, Remona, but I can save you from the crazy girl. My contact in Florida (who is NOT Norman Smiley) will hook you up with an overland passage to the wide open sea. You're free little boat! You're free!



I know.

Andy

Suck my left one, Tom

MySpace has now declared war on your favorite 1337 Ninja Prime Minister. They've done it, of all places, in an ad for some crap called MySpace Secret Shows. I was ready to login so I could see all the messages I got from sex starved porn girls, ringtone scammers, and the makers of this weird hydraulic wiener sling thingy, when I looked to the left and saw the ad, which was a blatant and intentional shot at ME, Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr.

It's obviously a thinly veiled message that people should shoot at me! Ok, I know some of my readers may be slow and less 1337 than me, so I've constructed a visual aid so that you can picture their real thoughts.

All you have to do is lighten the color of the original and add a 1337 bandanna, and... oh my god, it's ME!

Well, it's almost me. They gave me a gun to make me more threatening and evil. I prefer a sword as my weapon of choice. Once you've made all those changes, behold! Their hidden agenda to trick porn girls, spammers, and wiener sling salespersons into shooting me becomes plain as day! Well, two can play at this game!

I think this version of the ad is far superior to the Andy threatening version. It's so beautiful that it chokes me up a bit. Actually, I think that's going to be my desktop wallpaper for a while. Ah, 1337!

Ok, we're even now, Tom. Don't pull this Panda threat crap anymore!

Andy